question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
