So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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