she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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