Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
tell me about the eggs
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