if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
