Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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