4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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