There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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