I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
