Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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