so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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