when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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