I wish my penis had an off switch
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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