I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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