don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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