Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize