...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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