Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
