i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
