his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
