A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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