so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
