you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
