I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
