It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
