Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
