Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
