I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
