Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
