I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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