See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
