Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
