I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Randomize
