um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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