I'm going to jail i love you
Plan B is the new Plan A
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
