Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
