Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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