I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
