I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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