3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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