Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
