she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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