oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
