I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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