i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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