im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
