why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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