The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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