If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
