I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
