Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
