i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
