Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
