nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
