Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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