U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
