Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
