you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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