We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
