You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
