you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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