apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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