She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
