if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
